1- Describe the moment you had to tap into your inner courage and make changes in your life.
When my husband was in ICU after three months of suffering his health deteriorated and his organs were shutting down. I was told by his doctors that there was nothing else they could do for him.
I was in denial and praying for a miracle. I would come home at night after being in the hospital every day and lay on the carpet praying, screaming, and crying for God to spare him.
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is to let go of the love of my life and sign papers to take him off life support. It’s what he would have wanted anyway but I did not. I kept waiting for a miracle that never happened.
2- Walk us through the pivotal moment when you decided to act courageously.
What was going through your mind? How did you feel at that moment?
I had prayed and posted scriptures that spoke of healing all over his hospital room. But as a medic for 30 years, he knew what was happening to his body.
Before going into a coma, his last words to me were “ I’m scared, I think this is it “ and slipped away with a blank look in his eyes. WHAT?? My hero, retired military Master Sgt, who braved a war, a horrible car accident, and recipient of several medals, rough as nails guy. I thought he can’t go this way. I whispered in his ear that there was nothing to be afraid of, even though I was terrified, “ if you’re ready to go baby just follow the light, it’s ok . You have fought a good fight “ and I mustered up the courage to sing to him over and over again, Amazing Grace with tears just flowing down my face. I’m still haunted by those words. I kept wanting someone to tell me why was he scared. I wanted him to go peacefully.
Even the bravest feel fear at times.
3- What inspired or motivated you to take the courageous step you did? What were a few of the first steps you took? What major actions did you have to take?
The church I attended at the time, while well intended, encouraged me to continue to “ speak
life “ over my husband as it was “ not God’s will “ for him to die.
This mentality or belief or doctrine kept me from allowing Hospice which the doctor recommended or even having those final important conversations.
As his quality of life and condition worsened, our kids had to tell me that I needed to let go.
I had to decide to go against my heart's desire to keep him alive and decide what was best.
4- Paint a picture of what your life was like before you encountered the challenge that called you to summon your courage.
I had been recovering from hip replacement surgery, my husband had been retired for three months at that time while he was dating for me . There was an outbreak of Hepatitis A from eating contaminated fruits and or other foods at the time . We were unaware . We ate lots of fresh fruits and veggies .
He got sick with what seemed like flu like symptoms.
He continued to get worse and drove himself to the ER . I wasn’t able to drive as I was still having to use a walker .
Hours later he called me to say he was being admitted, so t come to the hospital . There’s a very contagious outbreak.
Every time I spoke with him he sounded terrible. And he did take a turn for the worse . He never returned home .
I had a friend drive me to the hospital a week later . He was so sick . They started talking liver transplant if he survived. She said I open the car door and ran through the parking lot to the hospital elevators with a walker just praying out loud , not caring who was around . I was in complete and utter shock that he would deteriorate that fast . That year 2,000 people died in Florida from that outbreak . The news channels were trying to get an interview with me to find out where and what he ate but I was too distraught.
5- Were there any doubts or fears you had to overcome before taking action? How did you manage them?
Yes. I had attended a Women’s Bible study months before this happened and one of the women pulled me aside to tell me that God had spoken to her concerning something big coming my way but to take heart that He would be with me through the test. Needless to say, that scared me to death. I didn’t know if it pertained to my kids, grandkids, or husband. It was worrisome. Every night I started laying hands on my husband during his sleep and praying for him and my loved ones. Until the fear went away.
Then months later another woman, unrelated to the last one, pulled me aside after church service. This time Russ was with me but distracted talking to others.
She proceeds to say the following: “ The Lord says He is preparing you for a storm that is coming your way but fretting not because He will be with you to get you through it.”
What ?? Again ?? I’d like to say that it gave me peace and helped me prepare but quite the opposite. I felt nothing but impending doom.
6- What were some of the obstacles you faced during your journey to overcome this particular challenge?
The challenges were fear and a sense of impending doom as I mentioned. To make things worse I didn’t share it with anyone to not give it life. If God Himself sent me a message through two different people whatever was going to happen would happen and I was just standing there waiting for the storm with seemingly no coverage.
7-Tell us about a memorable anecdote or turning point in your courageous journey.
Fast forward to after his funeral, everyone had returned home to loving their lives and as I looked around my now empty home the silence was deafening. I went to the garden that had been neglected for months and asked Him why did you take him. He had just retired, and we were planning on living our best life after 40 years of hard work, raising three kids, working on our marriage which wasn’t always an easy flow, being employed, illnesses, losing all of our parents, why now Lord ??
I got this small still voice responding inside of me “Because where I Am taking you he could not go “. Hogwash! That’s ridiculous! You see I was used to talking to God and this was not my first feisty conversation with Him. “ Russ and I did everything together. What do you mean he could not go ?” Again, the same soft voice, not moved by my anger, responded “Where I Am taking you he couldn’t go.” Boom! Drop the mic.
Later in my new journey, I joined an organization called The Modern Widows Club. I found myself healing and encouraging others while still grieving. I had to step back and let my own heart, which was shattered in pieces heal first. Kind of like what they tell you when you board a plane, take care of yourself first with your safety equipment before you can help those around you. My married friends began to tell me that they were watching me live out this new chapter and were coming to me when it happened to them.
It stinks that I had to be the one to start clearing that path for them but what an honor to be someone else’s soft place to fall back on. I’ve had courage well up in me that only God Almighty could have given me. I had loved and served Him alongside my Russ. He took my pain, anger, and determination and turned around for good. From ashes to beauty.
Fast forward to 4 years later, I was invited to visit my relative's church. There was a guest speaker from out of state and at the end of the service my cousin introduced us. She said I was a widow. The woman got quiet for a few moments and proceeded to tell me “What I’m going to say to you is difficult and it will be difficult for you to hear. It I must obey. God says it was necessary to call your husband Home because where He’s taking you he could not go “!! Well wheee had I heard that before?!
They both waited for me to start crying but I smiled instead. I said “ I know, he told me while I was pulling weeds in my garden 4 years ago the exact same words. “ Their mouths fell open. Another drop-the-mic moment.
I needed that confirmation. I’m so thankful for her courage and obedience because she was right, you just don’t say that to a widow without them wanting to smack you.
He is so cool how He does things. I haven’t been going to church at all, but that’s a story for another day. I was hesitant and “ something “ told me I needed to drive an hour and a half to hear this woman speak.
I’ve made my peace with God since and I know He has nothing but wonderful plans for my life.
I now have a better understanding of the scripture that says “In this world, there will be trials and tribulations …” but He is with us every step of the way. A wise woman told me that while I was angry and kicking and screaming, He was holding me and crying with me. Get a hold of that image. It melted me. It was a turning point.
8- What role models or sources of support helped you stay strong and resilient?
My mom, some of my widow friends have inspired me, and Carolyn Moor the founder of Modern Widows Club.
Mom was widowed for over 20 years before she passed. I never fully got what that journey entailed. I was grieving the loss of my dad.
Not mastering the English language she braved her way through insurmountable paperwork after my dad died. With less than a high school education and hearing impaired she was wise and was a good steward of her money. She lived well and comfortably until Alzheimer’s hit home. The second hardest thing I had to do was place her in a memory care facility. It was gut-wrenching. But she flourished there, she couldn’t remember her loved ones but she knew who Jesus was. She would lay hands on her roommates and pray for them. Hugged everyone she met. Her death left a huge void as the staff would tell me stories of how she touched so many. My precious mom. My hero.
9- How did this experience impact your life and your perception of courage?
I used to tell Russ that he better not die before me because I didn’t think I would be able to go on.
But God proved me differently.
I immersed myself in house projects, things I always wanted to get done but Russ did not always agree with me. 
For a couple of weeks, I had constructive workers, landscape folks, painters, etc all at one time. I think my kids and neighbors thought I had left my mind. But it kept me focused and not dwelling on my grief 24 hours a day.
I started to travel with friends and my Widows group attending art shows, assisting a good friend at his art studio, taking dance classes, involved myself, and joined a community group that focuses on the beautification of the environment, I’m the vice president of that group as well as my HOA. So I’m evolving like the caterpillar before it spreads its wings.
Not one day have I stayed under the covers depressed even though, especially the first two years I would wake up with an achy heart, an underlying sadness.
This is one of those things that I believe God was referring to when he told those women to tell me He would take care of me. I never lost my desire to have a purposeful life. In fact, it has been in flourishing mode ever since.
10- What lessons or wisdom have you gained from this experience that you’d like to share with others?
My resilience, my journey of self-discovery. Who am I aside from being a mother, grandmother, daughter, wife, etc. All the roles that are given to us become a huge part of our lives until they don’t.
This year I face a milestone birthday. I’m leaving my 60s and trying not to kick and scream as I go into my 70’s because it’s a gift not given to everyone .
I look back at things and choices I regret making , not listening to my inner voice at times and stepping into the very things the voice warned me about .
I aim to live everyday with a pure heart so I am intentional about keeping my thoughts in check .
I wake up grateful everyday for a new chance to shine , I do not entertain toxic behavior or people .
11- What unexpected or positive outcomes emerged from your courageous actions?
Self-discovery as well as a sweeter more intimate relationship with my Creator. Free from man-made doctrines.
12- How do you define courage and how has your definition evolved through your own experiences?
Courage is daring to live and be your authentic self not worrying about others opinions or acceptance .
13- Is there a particular advice you’d like to convey to other women who may be facing similar challenges?
Don’t rush grief . Pain will subside . Do not isolate yourself from a supportive friend or group . Find your tribe . They are out there . You need not go through this catastrophic event alone . Some cannot relate to this journey and it’s ok . Move towards those who do . Be good to yourself!
14- In introspect, do you have any regrets or things you would have done differently?
I think everyone has regrets. The important thing is to learn from them. Otherwise, we are bound to repeat them.
15- How has the experience shaped your identity or sense of self?
I’m learning as I go to protect my heart. That I am enough, that it is ok not to be ok all the time, that wisdom gained through life experiences is priceless, and do not take life or loved ones for granted.
Carpe Diem