1. Describe the moment when you knew you had to tap into your inner courage and make
changes in your life.
It was a regular day in my classroom. I was teaching Special Ed in Coos Bay OR. I began receiving phone calls from half sisters. Please call me when you get home. (I was raised by my mom, her second husband and they had four daughters in their marriage.) I think my sister Jackie was first. I asked that she just tell me not to make me wait. She said it was too important and I needed to be home. My sister Amy called and said the same, very important, call when you get home. Not a very patient person, I talked to Jackie again. She would tell me that our sister Margaret had called and that my father was looking for me. We had lost our “dad” my stepfather and I jokingly said “umm Jackie, dad is gone”. She said (and this did not even enter my mind) “Mom’s first husband is looking for you”. My insides dropped to my feet. I was afraid, excited, anxious and numb and I had a classroom of high school students walking in.
I met my dad, and his mother, my gramma, she lived to be 100! Almost immediately my daughter, then a college student, drove to Bonney Lake, WA and met them both. I was immediately comfortable with them both. They were family. They filled an empty space that I knew I had in my life, all my life but never knew what belonged there.
2. Walk us through the pivotal moment when you decided to act courageously. What was going through your mind? How did you feel at that moment?
My sister Jackie explained that my dad had found our sister Margaret through the high school we all graduated from. My mom had sent him my graduation notice (and lied to me that she had). Margaret had already removed herself from our family, not wanting to talk to Margaret, Jackie gave me the information to call my dad.
After work that day, I had shared with my daughter about the phone calls. We sat in our living room, I do not remember what all we talked about. Then we were quiet. It was as if I was floating above myself in the room, I was looking down from the ceiling at myself. I was aware of that emptiness again. I watched myself pick up my phone, dial his number and when he answered I introduced myself. The first thing he said was “They never let me see you” and I said “I know”. I did know. I had always known.
I had never heard anything nice, positive, loving or forgiving of my father from my mother or her friends. When I was 16 my stepfather gave me a mutual friend's name and address that I might find my dad. She had lost track of him. My mom in one of her many bedroom searches (looking to steal money from me) found the letters. She was very angry, very abusive about my trying to find him.
As I introduced myself to him on the phone, my daughter’s jaw dropped. I did not say I was going to call now, I just began talking. When I got off the phone she was so surprised at what I had just done. When I was done with the phone call Jessica said to me “I did not know you were going to call” I said neither did I. She was very proud of me. To this day I am grateful that I had her to take the first steps of this journey with.
My mother’s divorce was never talked about. She remarried when I was five, this was my new daddy, the old daddy had left DONE. We did not talk about it again. My sister’s were my sisters. We were never told we were half-sisters. In fact my sister Lucy told me later in life she did not know we were half-sisters until she was 16. To this day I do not remember telling my daughter her grandpa was her step-grandpa and now she would be meeting a new one.
That phone call changed my life. Talking to my dad on the phone. Driving to Bonney Lake, WA to meet him, I began to feel the love of a parent I had never experienced before.
3. What inspired or motivated you to take the courageous step you did? What were a few of the first steps you took? What major actions did you have to take?
I think curiosity. The desire to have a parent that might love me. I did not know then but I would discover what the emptiness in my life, in my heart, in my soul had been.
Picking up the phone was my first courageous step. Getting in the car and driving to meet my dad, my grandmother for the first time was my next courageous step. That first meeting I fit, I belonged, I could be myself, I could talk to both of these people without fear of judgment. I had never felt that in the house I grew up in.
4. Paint a picture of what your life was like before you encountered the challenge that called for you to summon your courage.
When my dad found me I was a single mom. My daughter and I were both working on our bachelor's degree. She had moved home and was taking university classes through our community college. I was taking all my university classes online and teaching full-time.. We lived one dune away from the bay that led to the Pacific Ocean. I had always been in a love-hate relationship with my half-sisters. The three youngest were preferred. I was an embarrassment as I represented divorce in the 60’s and my mother being ex-communicated from the Catholic Church. My half-sister Margaret represented having to get married because our mother was pregnant. It was the 60’s and that was just what was expected. Because of this love-hate relationship I took my daughter when she was eight years old and left our family. From that time we were always far from Portland. We created our own family through friends. We created our own traditions and celebrations that we now pass on in her family.
5. Were there any doubts or fears you had to overcome before taking action? How did you manage them?
My dad and I had 10 years together. We enjoyed holidays, laughter, tears and I came to an understanding why he and my mom divorced. They were very much alike! My first visit to my dad’s home I opened the kitchen cabinet and there were the same plastic cups my mom had when I was a kid. You know the pink or yellow plastic inside and the clear plastic with the enclosed straw mat. Also, they both kept a tablet, with a red, white and black cover, next to the phone to take notes.
This whole process of allowing him into our lives, taking time off work to travel to spend time with him, then eventually going to Dr. appointments with him. I often felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants. Like my mother my dad had a temper, possibly a mental health illness.
I knew my grandmother for five years, she passed away just after her 100th birthday. I helped my dad with her passing. I stood beside him.
I spent my life looking for a family to belong to. I asked friends' parents to adopt me. I left home before high school graduation and lived with a friend in her parents' home. The family was gracious to let me stay while I started community college.
My parents divorce was messy. My mom lied a lot! She was almost held in contempt and placed in jail overnight for lying in the courtroom in front of the judge during the divorce. My dad stood up, asked the judge to not hold her, she not only had me to get home to but she now had my first half sister Margaret to take care of too.
6. What were some of the challenges or obstacles you faced during your journey to overcome this particular challenge?
I think one boundary we both had without ever speaking about it was not talking about my mom. He seemed to know that I was never told anything good about him. He recalled gifts he sent me. I remembered them, but I was never told that he gave them to me.
7. Tell us about a memorable anecdote or turning point in our courageous journey.
It was my dad’s last days. We were talking, he asked me questions about my childhood, school, Camp Fire Girls, college etc.
We laughed saying there wasn’t much unsaid between us. He was telling me that he felt he had lived a good long life and not to worry, he was ready to leave. There was warmth, love, and friendship in that room. There was a glow. I felt like a little girl sitting with her daddy like I knew him when I was a baby. I said to my dad. When you get to heaven, should my mother be there, I want you to walk up to her and kick her in the shin for keeping us apart. He said, Well, I don't know about that. She has those long legs and that red hair! LOL Yes, she did. She was a beautiful woman when she was single and happy.
9. How did this experience impact your life and your perception of courage?
Meeting my dad, inheriting his estate changed my life. I always felt the creative drive to be an entrepreneur, Fear of or not having an understanding of money, energy. I also inherited my mother and my great aunt Liz's fear of finance and probably math. I always worked for that paycheck. I have for the most part loved my career of working with persons of different abilities but also always had a side gig. My first small business was definitely babysitting, home day care, tie dyed socks, tie dyed anything cotton and tissue paper! Yes, that was great fun! I received a phone call in November 2009 from Good Sam Hospital in Puyallup WA that my dad was in the hospital. I was working for an organization that supported young adults re-enter the community from long term juvenile care to discovering the world and going to grad school.
I made all the arrangements for work and school to go be with my dad. I never left. I spent most every day with my dad from 11/2009 to 1/2010 when he passed away. I wasn't with him when he passed, I do not think he wanted me there when he did.
I inherited my dad’s estate, including his home. The money that I inherited gave me courage to not return to a W2 job. As my life was changing so rapidly, I allowed myself massages. My massage therapist introduced me to crystals, energy and reflexology. I began to notice when she worked on my feet, and talked about the reflexes of my feet. I felt relaxed, able to make estate decisions, and for a bit my grief lessened my heart was not as heavy. I was also looking at purchasing a coffee stand, a coffee shop, and my massage therapist’s wellness center. I found my reflexology school and started immediately, I was becoming a business owner. My first studio rental is an amazing story. On my way home from Seattle after completing Intro to Reflexology, I called the gal that owned the salon where I was getting my hair done. Anyway, long story short, She gave me a room rent free, until I had earned my license! It's a great story!
10. What lessons or wisdom have you gained from this experience that you'd like to share with others?
Listen to your gut every time! Fear does steal Joy. Go For It. Oh my gosh, I have lived with such fear of stepping out and really doing what my hearts desire, My prayer would be no one experiences the fear of moving I have. Step away from fear, stay close to the people who lift you up, tell it straight. Listen to your gut, you are worth it!
11. What unexpected or positive outcomes emerged from your courageous actions?
Such a great sense of empowerment, independence, fear, ability to be creative to learn, to travel, to return to a path of a more natural living that began in younger adult years, never forgotten and learning again. To be of service. My business, my business name, the trust and respect of hundreds of people with feet. The light in my life today.
12. How do you define courage, and how has your definition evolved through your own experiences?
First that comes to mind is the opposite of fear. Courage is every step forward we take in life, business, relationships, finance, illness, birth, death, life.
I can not imagine I would not have called my dad that day. It took me a few hours after work of thinking, processing and meditating to be able to pick up the phone and call my dad that first time. It took a lot of courage the first time I rented a studio space full-time. My first reflexology presentation, first essential oil class, selling everything and moving to Idaho. It all took every step forward to create the business, friendships, respect and village I did in WA. and now do that all over again in Idaho.
13. Is there a particular message or advice you'd like to convey to other women who may be facing similar challenges?
I wish I could touch every females no, every person’s heart and mind and leave the message I am worth it,
14. In retrospect, do you have any regrets or things you would have done differently?
I wish I would have listened to my gut and moved my financial inheritance to a woman wealth advisor.
15. How has this experience shaped your identity or sense of self?
This journey has given me time to explore and find peace. I have been a very angry human. This journey I have found a sense of peace I have never experienced and Never want to lose. Part of that is an amazing tribe, part of that is a trip to Bali. My dad stood on a car lot crying and said They never let me do a thing for you growing up. I am buying you a car. He was a giver, I am a giver.
16. What would you say to someone who is hesitant or afraid to take a courageous step in their life?
Following the norm of my mothers demands, and fear of crossing her I did what was expected of me. Later when breaking away from norms and traditions the requirement of a paycheck was more a fear of failing in front of my daughter, not having rent, power and water.
I had wanted to learn cosmetology after high school for a side job for college. My mother helped me change my mind and later be rent afraid because you never know if you will make enough to rent your chair.
No, Go For It because, it is true, If You Build It They Will Come. When you rent that chair, rent that room, rent that studio, that office space, that office building they will come and you will have to work on it. That was kinda corny huh ;)