1. Describe the moment when you knew you had to tap into your inner courage and make changes in your life.
2020 was a year no one will ever forget. Not just because of the world going into lockdown but because I entered into a different kind of lockdown. A mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual lockdown that would test me to my core. It started in June as I was making dinner in the kitchen with my husband sitting on the window seat where he would chat with me while I made dinner. This particular evening he was a bit “off” like he gets when his blood sugar drops.
In this case, when I asked him what was going on he looked at me strangely and said his uterus hurt. You can imagine my surprise and I said you don’t have a uterus and he replied again “My uterus hurts”.
This began a journey of specialists and eventually ended up at a Parkinson’s specialist because of some other symptoms that I had been noticing that the doctor would not take seriously…until my husband thought he had a uterus.
They started tests and eventually said they wanted an MRI, and he didn’t want to do one. So, they sent us home and said when you’re ready let us know. Many conversations ensued where my husband said he was fine. You can imagine my frustration at knowing something was deeply wrong yet not being able to do anything about it.
One particular afternoon in November of 2020 he had gone bike riding down into the valley, and he did not return at his usual time. So, I went looking for him and found him sitting on a short guardrail on the side of the road with his elbow and knee bleeding and looking very disoriented. His phone was in his back pocket, but he didn’t call me. When asked what happened, he said he wanted to rest and he leaned with his bike, against the guardrail (which only came up to his knees) and he fell over the drop off tumbling down a short ravine with his bike.
After getting him home and cleaned up, I felt the frustration rising within me. There had been several other instances like this and I had begged him to call the doctor for the MRI but he wouldn’t. I was at my wits end.
After asking again to call the doctor, he said no. I blew up. All my fear, frustration and angst rose up and as we were standing in the middle of the sitting room which had a tile floor, I threw a pen down that was in my hand and it exploded as it hit the tile along with our 2 cats scattering as I yelled – “If you don’t call the doctor I can no longer be here to watch this deterioration happen. I’ve lost my husband, my friend, my business partner and I don’t know what to do”. As tears of pain and sorrow were streaming down my face, he looked at me and said “You just need to calm down”. Okay ladies, we know that is not helpful at all and just adds fuel to the fire.
Yet an interesting thing happened. As my anger started to boil even more, suddenly there was a sense of calm that came over me and in my head, I heard the words “Brenda, walk away. All you can do is take care of yourself”. It was so surprising to have this calm voice that wasn’t mine saying this to me and then also feeling this warmth and calmness at the same time. I looked at him and said, “I meant what I said” and turned and walked out of the room. I left that room feeling more empowered than I had been for a long time.
2. Walk us through the pivotal moment when you decided to act courageously. What was going through your mind? How did you feel at that moment?
I had been afraid to share what I was truly feeling inside. It felt like he was entering into dementia, and I was already grieving and didn’t know it, yet I didn’t have any proof and couldn’t get him to agree to the MRI which would tell us what we needed to know.
It was months of walking on eggshells, trying to be the nice wife and trying different tactics to get him to schedule the MRI. Nothing was working and I was feeling crazy and helpless.
What really made the difference was the calmness that came over me and the feeling of determination and knowing that I had no control over anyone but myself. That all my people pleasing and trying not to make waves didn’t work. The only person I had any control over was me and I hadn’t been doing that very well because I was abdicating my power to people outside of me based on the belief that their needs and wants were more important than my own.
And now, the truth was bubbling up inside me so strongly that if he wasn’t willing to help himself, there wasn’t anything I could do. That I needed to love myself more than anyone else so that I could follow through with what I said and take the actions I needed for me.
This was a truth that I had not let myself feel or acknowledge. For this girl who called herself a recovering co-dependent, it was a huge moment of awareness and relief. No longer carrying this secret that I wasn’t even willing to acknowledge within myself.
3. What inspired or motivated you to take the courageous step you did? What were a few of the first steps you took? What major actions did you have to take?
It really feels like my intuition gave me the strength to finally wake up to a pattern that even though I had been working on it, was still prevalent. Patterns and beliefs seem to keep resurfacing until we can acknowledge them and integrate them. They just get a little sneakier at presenting themselves.
All the inner work I had been doing and helping others with, came tumbling forward so that I could put that line in the sand knowing where I stopped, and he started. Realizing on a deeper level that I had no control over anyone else but me. And by giving away my power, I was dying inside. Walking out of that room knowing that I had to follow through with what I said, was a very empowering and scary moment. And what I found was that my willingness to acknowledge the truth within me and speak that out loud, guided him to make that phone call for the MRI.
4. Paint a picture of what your life was like before you encountered the challenge that called for you to summon your courage.
This happened to be my fourth marriage. My life prior to meeting Doug was a life of codependence, struggle, giving myself away to feel loved. It was a life spent not knowing where I stopped and someone else started. I was confident and strong at work, yet when it was time to go home, my confidence would weaken, and I would dread going home knowing that I would lose myself in whatever relationship I was in. Not having any dreams of my own or even desires. Walking on egg shells, catering to my partner’s demands and feeling like I was emotionally empty. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough to love.
Spending years of therapy and trying different modalities to “heal” myself. All the while, not realizing that I didn’t need healing. What I needed was forgiveness of myself and acceptance of myself. This is something that in the forgiveness work I teach; I had been learning as I met Doug, yet he helped me go even deeper into my learning. I was learning to set boundaries and know what I wanted and not be willing to compromise myself so much.
5. Were there any doubts or fears you had to overcome before taking action? How did you manage them?
There weren’t many doubts and fears at first as I entered into this relationship with Doug. There was one that stood out as there was a 14-year difference between us, and we met as I was turning 50.
Yet, he was vivacious and in such good shape and so sharp, with a photographic memory which was amazing to me. Plus, he treated me like I had never been treated before. Like the queen I am. Which felt amazing. He respected my boundaries, was willing to communicate, go to counselling with me because after both of us having several marriages, I wanted to make sure we were on the same page.
It was like a gift from God after going through the abusive relationships I had been through and all the inner work that I had been doing.
The doubts and fears came in a bit later when several people shared with me that I would end up being his caregiver. This was from men and women which brought some confusion for me since he was so healthy and vibrant.
Doug and I talked about the age difference and health and we both agreed that we didn’t know what would happen. I needed to make a decision on whether to walk away from this relationship based on a fear of the future or whether to honor the relationship for what it was right now. And I chose the latter.
6. What were some of the challenges or obstacles you faced during your journey to overcome this particular challenge?
The journey became more challenging. The MRI showed there had been over 12 strokes which was causing atrophy to the brain. On the one hand, it gave us answers. On the other it showed us where we were headed.
The diagnosis was vascular dementia from Doug having atrial fibrillation (AFIB) that had been happening for years along with a parkinsonian syndrome and other neurological symptoms. More testing showed that there was also the possibility of front temporal lobe dementia and Alzheimer’s.
These friends that had shared with me about becoming his caregiver were right. The grief hit hard. For both of us. Another friend helped me realize I was experiencing anticipatory grief which is having feelings of grief or loss that you feel before the loss or death happens. And I also learned I was experiencing ambiguous grief which is a person’s profound sense of loss and sadness that is from a loss of emotional connection when a person’s physical presence remains.
We spent a lot of time in the doctor’s offices and therapy to try and arrest the dementia and symptoms with medication, etc. It was such a challenge to watch over the next year and a half the very slow decline as the person who was so vibrant and full of vitality started to fade. I was losing this man that I married along with my friend and partner who I shared intimately with.
My deeply held anger started to surface especially as his denial became stronger and I had to put my business on hold and become a full-time caregiver. Not being able to have any outlet for me. Trying to hold onto my sanity because the family was in denial also.
This anger wasn’t just from this situation, it was from years of putting other people first. Being the good wife, sister, friend, you name it. All those years of a deep pattern of codependency that was coming up now for me to see in a very tangible way.
7. Tell us about a memorable anecdote or turning point in your courageous journey.
A turning point came as we were deep in our journey. In January of 2023 I was really feeling the weight and burden of caregiving. I hadn’t really asked for help as I took over more and more duties in the household and in our marriage.
It was a toll that I wasn’t aware of as I had gone numb which was another pattern of mine from the trauma experienced in my life.
One day, I fell to my knees and said God I can’t do this anymore. My body hurts. My heart hurts. And my faith is wavering. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I was exhausted inside and out.
It was then that I received a notification of a networking event happening and I was answering yes to the invite without even thinking about it. That’s the universe doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself.
At this event, everyone had the opportunity to share a 30 second commercial of what they did for a living. Two women stood up one after the other. One said, I’m a professional caregiver and love to help people who have ailments and dementia. The other said her business was helping people find assisted living and memory care homes. My jaw dropped open and I silently thanked God and the universe for bringing me to that event.
8. What role models or sources of support helped you stay strong and resilient?
These two women became a support that was desperately needed. You can imagine the tears of relief as I talked with them both and they were so understanding, and I felt seen and heard.
The caregiver gave me support for a few hours a week so I could breathe. And then a few months later when I was ready to think about moving towards looking at a place where Doug could go a few days a week, I contacted the lovely lady who was experienced at finding the right home/facility for him.
Also, during this time I had been talking with a grief counselor and ended up becoming certified as a grief educator because we all experience grief over many things and especially in the forgiveness work that I guide people through.
It takes a village as I also had a couple friends who I could talk to without fear of judgment as they had gone through dementia with a family member and also a therapist who guided me through so many aspects of this journey.
9. How did this experience impact your life and your perception of courage?
My life has been all about courage as I look back on it. Keeping my heart open after having the experiences of an abusive childhood and then having that pattern repeated in all my relationships, is an act of courage and faith and a deep belief in mankind.
This dementia journey truly put my understanding and experience of courage to the test though. This is about living courage each and every day because I face new challenges every day. I face grief each and every day. This is about facing myself and my fears and being willing to show up in spite of them. It has also guided me to hear stories from other women and men who are facing the same experience and that keeps me going.
10. What lessons or wisdom have you gained from this experience that you'd like to share with others?
So many lessons and wisdom have been gained through this experience. What I want to say is that asking for help is not a weakness. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is not a weakness. It is a necessary part of our life journey.
We are not islands. We are meant to do life together as Karen shares in the Fave community. Society teaches us that we must do it alone. Let’s question that. Asking ourselves, is that true? Do I really need to do that alone? Be curious about why we feel we need to do things alone so that we can gather the strength to reach out to each other. And reach out sooner rather than later. It’s so important for our well-being.
11. What unexpected or positive outcomes emerged from your courageous actions?
It started with me being willing to reach out to a friend and share my deep thoughts and emotions around feeling betrayed by Doug and the loss of what our relationship could be. Sharing with her all those feelings of guilt and shame in a safe container where I didn’t feel judged. Having hard conversations with myself and Doug and the family gave me the strength to hire those two women who gave me relief and encouraged me by letting me know I wasn’t crazy. And got me on the path to learning more about caregiving and dementia itself. And through this learning process, I’ve been able to guide other women through their journey of grief and loss.
12. How do you define courage, and how has your definition evolved through your own experiences?
Courage used to mean doing what I had to do to survive. Which meant agreeing with others and not making waves. Now it means living wholeheartedly. Allowing myself to be seen and heard, having my own truth even when others don’t agree. And be willing stand up and stand out. This is huge for someone who was all about making sure life stayed “safe” by people pleasing and putting other people’s needs and wants before my own.
13. Is there a particular message or advice you'd like to convey to other women who may be facing similar challenges?
For my sisters on this journey, know that learning to love yourself is the best experience you will ever have. When we love ourselves even just a tiny bit, that gives us the courage to reach out to others and ask for guidance and support.
We really aren’t meant to do this thing called life alone. Yet, when we are covered in shame and guilt, we don’t feel worthy of being seen and heard by another. Let alone loved. You’re worthy just because you are you. You are worthy of being loved because you are you. And if you want me to, I will hold for you until you can hold that for yourselves.
14. In retrospect, do you have any regrets or things you would have done differently?
The beautiful thing about learning to love myself is that I don’t harbor regrets. I’m a big believer in knowing that things happen for a reason, and they happen in divine timing. There are so many experiences in my life to show me that this is true.
All that I have gone through has had some sort of silver lining or gift to it. Some of those gifts I understand, and some are yet to be revealed. Yet they are gifts just the same. It’s not about toxic positivity. It is a deep knowing that we are here to learn and grow and the more I can be in acceptance of that, the more I can experience some joy in my life.
15. How has this experience shaped your identity or sense of self?
Learning that my life has been driven by fear, was a big heart opener for me. Everything was about other people and not about me. I trusted too much and then I didn’t trust at all. My life was a roller coaster.
Through this journey with Doug, I’ve faced so many fears and the biggest fear was facing myself. All that I liked and didn’t like about me and eventually learning that I’m not so bad after all. That I’m worthy of taking up space and having thoughts and opinions. And that I am a person of deep caring and love of others and life. I feel deeply and love deeply. And that’s a good thing. Some people can’t handle that and that’s okay. I’m not for everyone.
16. What would you say to someone who is hesitant or afraid to take a courageous step in their life?
Know that being a bit scared is okay. Take baby steps by sharing with a trusted friend or someone you feel safe with. Just share something small at first and then gradually share more. Keep reminding yourself that you don’t have to do life alone. That it’s a strength to ask for guidance and support. Oh, and question that voice in your head when it tells you not to share with someone…is that true? Is a fabulous question to ask.
About Brenda Reiss
Brenda’s life is a testament to the power of rewriting one’s narrative. Through her work as the Forgiveness Coach, she ignites the potential within her clients, inspiring them to redefine their lives and embrace the strength within. Her story and coaching encourage others to explore beyond their perceived limits and to discover the possibilities of a life led with heart and courage. Whether on stage, through her podcasts, or in one-on-one sessions, Brenda Reiss remains a guiding light to all who seek transformation.
Brenda guides individuals through the transformative journey of releasing past hurts and embracing self-compassion. With her expertise, clients learn to cultivate inner peace and move forward with renewed clarity and purpose.
Visit her website: brendareisscoaching.com