Introducing Joanie Hansen, one of the courageous authors in Being Brave, releasing December 2024! Dive into their remarkable journey, where bravery and resilience shine through every challenge overcome.
In Breaking Free: A Journey of Courage from Narcissistic Abuse, Joanie Hansen shares how she calmly and resolutely decided to reclaim her life after enduring emotional manipulation and gaslighting. Her journey of courage began with small steps toward self-awareness, ultimately leading her to rediscover her worth and inspire others facing similar challenges.
Joanie is a licensed mental health counselor and a mental performance coach with over 18 years of experience working with clients. She is passionate about helping individuals navigate life’s challenges, she empowers people to align with their true desires and embrace a more fulfilling everyday life. Through her coaching practice, Joanie skillfully guides clients to connect with their personal "compass" and uncover the inner diamond—revealing the valuable and unique person they truly are.
Joanie is the owner of Northwest Counseling and the owner and CEO of Wellness with Joanie.
Joanie is a published author, a speaker, and business owner.
When Joanie is not working with clients, she loves to learn new things, meet new people, and loves spending time with her two daughters and her grandchildren. Joanie has a love for being outdoors and a love for spending time at the beach and the ocean.
Describe the moment when you knew you had to tap into your inner courage and make changes in your life.
I had to tap into my courage and make changes in my life to break free from the cycle of manipulation, blame-shifting, and emotional abuse. Something inside of me shifted, and I could not go back to how things had been. My eyes were open to what was really going on. I sensed it in my body that something was not right. True Courage is found in the moments when you choose to break free from the chains of narcissistic abuse, reclaiming your worth, and walking boldly into the light of your own strength.
Walk us through the pivotal moment when you decided to act courageously. What was going through your mind? How did you feel at that moment?
I was sitting in my backyard, and my heart was pounding as I looked around at the familiar space that had once felt like a warm and loving home but now felt like a cage. His words echoed in the air, sharp and cutting, but for the first time, they didn’t penetrate the way they used to. I wasn’t shrinking anymore.
An overwhelming sense of exhaustion from the constant emotional turmoil and a sense of walking on eggshells hung over me. Yet, I felt a profound, quiet resolve rise within me, a realization that I deserved better, that this toxic environment was eroding my sense of wellbeing, and sense of self. In that moment, it was as if a veil had been ripped from my eyes — every lie, every manipulative twist of reality, became glaringly clear. The weight I had been carrying, the constant doubt in my own worth, lifted just enough for me to see the truth. I had been suffocating under his manipulation, and I hadn’t even realized it. I knew deep inside that I needed to be free from the ups and downs, anxiety, and self-doubt. I envisioned a life where my worth wasn’t determined by someone else’s unstable whims. This vision gave me the courage to make the hard decision to leave. It wasn’t a dramatic exit but a calm, determined decision to reclaim my life and sense of wellbeing.
What inspired or motivated you to take the courageous step you did? What were a few of the first steps you took? What major actions did you have to take?
First, I prayed. I also reached out to a trusted counselor and then a few family members and confided in them for the first time. Their unwavering support affirmed my decision. I began learning more about gaslighting, love bombing, manipulation, blaming, and shaming. All evidence of narcissistic abuse. I prayed and sought counseling and my family’s support, as well as set firmer boundaries. I became stronger to “face the giant” and break free from abuse. Breaking free from narcissistic abuse often requires significant life-altering actions. These can be some of the hardest but most liberating steps of all.
Each step in getting stronger, no matter how small, was an act of bravery and self-love. This pivotal moment was the beginning of my journey of untangling and being brave to free myself from the abuse. I chose to prioritize my wellbeing and reclaim my power. I learned to set firm boundaries. I embraced healing, and I had to seek legal advice and action.
Leaving a narcissistic relationship is an act of extraordinary courage. The internal motivations are often deeply personal, rooted in a desire for freedom from abuse, finding our voice, self-worth, and healing.
The first steps are sometimes the hardest, and those are to acknowledge the abuse, seek support, and make a plan; but each step forward is a reclaiming of our power. By reflecting in these moments and sharing them, I am not only honoring my own journey but inspiring others who may be in a similar situation to find the courage to break free.
Paint a picture of what your life was like before you encountered the challenge that called for you to summon your courage.
Before encountering the challenge of untangling from narcissistic abuse, my life felt like a constant struggle for validation and peace. At first, there were moments of charm and affection that drew me in, making me believe I had found something special. However, these moments were fleeting, replaced by a pervasive sense of unpredictability and emotional turmoil. It was as if I didn’t matter.
Were there any doubts or fears you had to overcome before taking action? How did you manage them?
Untangling from narcissistic abuse is a daunting process, and the fears associated with it can be paralyzing. I felt like I was dealing with a terrorist. The emotional abuse, threats, and mind games were unfathomable. Managing these fears required a combination of planning, emotional support, praying, self-care, and rebuilding my self-esteem.
What were some of the challenges or obstacles you faced during your journey to overcome this particular challenge?
A handful of years of manipulation and subtle put-downs can its toll on self-worth, making it difficult to believe in your ability to thrive and break free. The narcissists’ gaslighting often leaves you questioning your perceptions and decisions, creating a pervasive sense of doubt and confusion. I also faced him threatening to take my home, my business, and my money. He and his attorneys delayed the divorce, forcing it to trial, and extending trial many times which cost more time, energy, and money.
Tell us about a memorable anecdote or turning point in your courageous journey.
It was a cold fall evening when the veil was ripped off my eyes. I sat crying on the couch in disbelief, and what took place the next morning solidified that something was not right with him. He began yelling that the marriage was over, and he was not giving me more money. I asked him to figure out his part of the bills, cover the bare minimum, and told him I could not keep paying for everything. I had already given him a significant amount of money, more than what he needed to cover the bills he agreed to pay.
I later found out he had twelve credit cards that were charged up, and who knows what else he was buying or spending money on. He was screaming at me that I ruined the marriage and that he hoped that I was happy. I was sobbing and couldn’t understand what he was saying. I left for the night because he would not stop screaming at me. I called my family crying and asking for prayers,and I spoke to a counselor to try to get some perspective. The counselor told me he was using me and being abusive, blaming me for his lack of taking responsibility.
What role models or sources of support helped you stay strong and resilient?
First and foremost, is my belief in God, and then my family, children, and counselor all helped me stay strong. Also, studying more about narcissism and learning what I was dealing with
helped. I found a wonderful program that helped me understand more what I was dealing with and how important it was to stay strong, be brave, and get free from being abused.
How did this experience impact your life and your perception of courage?
This experience of breaking from narcissistic abuse profoundly impacted my life, leading to significant personal and professional growth and a deeper understanding of courage. It reshaped my identity and improved my wellbeing. Most importantly, it redefined courage as a series of persistent, often quiet acts of bravery, highlighting the strength in vulnerability and the power of reliance. This journey not only empowered me but also equipped me to support and inspire others facing similar challenges.
What lessons or wisdom have you gained from this experience that you’d like to share with others?
From this experience of breaking free from narcissistic abuse, I’ve gained several profound lessons and pieces of wisdom that I would like to share with others who might be facing similar challenges.
- You deserve respect and love.
- Trust your inherent value. Healthy relationships are based on trust, mutual respect, and love, not control and belittlement.
- Trust your instincts.
- Setting boundaries is essential.
- Seeking help is a sign of strength.
- Healing is a journey, not a destination.
- You are not to blame.
- Discovering yourself is empowering.
- Resilience and courage can be found in the smallest actions.
- Empathy and compassion grow through adversity.
- Life after abuse can be beautiful and fulfilling.
What unexpected or positive outcomes emerged from your courageous actions?
Rediscovering my worth and confidence, building a stronger foundation and friendships, and empowerment through independence are a few of the outcomes. I’ve also discovered enhanced empathy and advocacy for others. I’ve enhanced my personal growth and resilience and pursued new opportunities. And I’m being a positive role model.
How do you define courage, and how has your definition evolved through your own experiences?
Through my journey of breaking free from narcissistic abuse, my definition of courage evolved from a perception of dramatic, fearless actions to a recognition of the quiet, persistent strength needed to face and overcome adversity. Courage became about the daily choices to prioritize my wellbeing, the willingness to be vulnerable, and the ongoing commitment to personal growth and advocacy for others.
Is there a particular message or advice you’d like to convey to other women who may be facing similar challenges?
You are not alone. Empower yourself to seek help, affirm your self-worth, and set boundaries. There are resources and options. Devote time to self-care. Healing is possible, and you are strong.
In retrospect, do you have any regrets or things you would have done differently?
I would have sought help sooner, set boundaries earlier, prioritized self-care, and consulted my counselor a few years earlier. While there may be aspects of my journey that I wish I had handled differently, it’’s important to recognize that hindsight is always clearer.
How has this experience shaped your identity or sense of self?
Each experience, whether positive or negative, has contributed to my growth and resilience. Instead of dwelling on regrets, I can focus on lessons learned and use them to empower myself and others in similar situations.
What would you say to someone who is hesitant or afraid to take a courageous step in their life?
Fear is a natural part of the process when you are about to step into something unfamiliar. But please remember, courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. It means you choose to move forward despite the fear. The most important steps you will ever take are often the ones that scare you the most, but those are also the steps that lead to the greatest growth, healing, and freedom.
Ask yourself, What’s the cost of staying where you are? Staying in a place of fear, doubt, or comfort might feel safe for a while, but is it truly where you want to be? It’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay to feel fear, but trust that you have the strength within you to face the unknown. You do not need to have it all figured out. Keep yourself safe and create a safety plan if you are in an unsafe situation. Reach out for help and support. Trust that as you move forward, clarity and strength will come. Your future is waiting, and it’s worth the bravery it takes to step into it.
Validate your feelings and remind yourself of your strengths. Have self-compassion. It’s okay to feel afraid, but taking the courageous step is often the first step toward positive change and growth. Trust in yourself and your ability to navigate through uncertainty.