1. Describe the moment when you knew you had to tap into your inner courage and make changes in your life.
It was in July, 2007, when I realized that I had to break the cycle of psychological and verbal abuse. Being the youngest of 7 children, I was not often the brunt of my dad’s anger and yelling (I got pretty good at being invisible), but I remember it all too well. I realized when I was about 5 years into my marriage that I had married someone just like my dad. Alcohol and yelling were the cornerstones of my growing up years, and I did not want my children to grow up in the same environment.
2. Walk us through the pivotal moment when you decided to act courageously. What was going through your mind? How did you feel at that moment?
Although my children’s dad had never been physically abusive, I was terrified of him just the same. I was made to feel small and insignificant through our almost 20 years of marriage. I knew that I had to be strong for my kids - and remove them from the toxic environment they had so far grown up in.
3. What inspired or motivated you to take the courageous step you did? What were a few of the first steps you took? What major actions did you have to take?
I had taken a hard look at my life growing up, and the life of my kids. Although there were no “warm fuzzies” where my dad was concerned, my mom was a loving mom. I believe she did her best, and I always felt loved by her. After looking back, I realized that I did not want my kids to grow up only remembering the yelling, the drinking, and the constant lies and deception from their dad.
The first small step that I took was to pick my kids up and take them out of our home on the day that their dad and his friend were there, intoxicated - swearing and yelling and scaring the kids.
The hardest part of that was that we had nowhere to go, so we were forced to go back home later that evening. Thankfully both their dad and his friend were gone. Once he had left the home, the very hardest thing was not letting him return. He never came back to live with us after that day, even though he tried.
Once he was gone, it was like we could breathe again. It took some time, but eventually we emerged from the darkness and found that we could laugh and talk and have fun at home again.
4. Paint a picture of what your life was like before you encountered the challenge that called for you to summon your courage.
When their dad was present in the home, there was very little joy or laughter. It was like someone sucked all the joy out of the room when he walked in. I was constantly made to feel as though I was a bad person, being lied to and manipulated.
5. Were there any doubts or fears you had to overcome before taking action? How did you manage them?
I was very fearful of being able to support 4 children on my own. I had not worked in 15 years - didn’t know how it would work. I still had fears, but I did what I believed was best for my family. I didn’t really manage the fears and doubts initially - I just did it. “Do it scared” was something I lived by in those early years.
6. What were some of the challenges or obstacles you faced during your journey to overcome this particular challenge?
The biggest challenge I had to face was money and how we were going to live. Their dad had stopped paying for everything - house, car, insurance. Our house was foreclosed on, and my car was repossessed in the middle of the night.
7. Tell us about a memorable anecdote or turning point in your courageous journey.
I visited a church that some friends had invited me to and went to one of their small groups. When I mentioned that we were looking for a place to stay, one of the members of the group had a house for rent, and would let us move in immediately, without having to pay a deposit - just the first month’s rent. I had feared that we would be homeless, but God had a better plan.
8. What role models or sources of support helped you stay strong and resilient?
My 5 sisters were great sources of support - financially as well as emotionally, and provided us with a car after ours was repossessed. One of my sisters gave me a fulltime job in her office, which was a God send and provided at least enough income to live on.
9. How did this experience impact your life and your perception of courage?
When I was young, my idea of courage was someone who ran into a burning building to save dogs and little children, or threw themselves in front of an onrushing car to push an unsuspecting jaywalker out of the way. Now, my perception of courage is a little more broad. I have the utmost respect and admiration for the woman who can leave an abusive situation, or the mom who stands up for her children against all else. It takes real courage to stand up for yourself, especially when you’ve been held down for so long.
10. What lessons or wisdom have you gained from this experience that you'd like to share with others?
I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned from my many years and all the experiences is that life is not always fair, it’s not always perfect, and if you’re living in a toxic relationship, or family, you should get out as soon as it’s safe to do so. My former pastor’s wife used to say that staying together “for the children” was really the only thing to do. I believe that leaving for the sake of the children is sometimes the best thing to do.
11. What unexpected or positive outcomes emerged from your courageous actions?
Since leaving an unhappy marriage and being thrust into the world of being a single mom, I have learned that I can do so many things that I never thought I could. I can manage a home with 4 kids, and all the drama and fun that goes with it. Their dad took books and stories and fun from all our lives, proclaiming fiction to be evil, and I introduced my kids to the world of books. While they don’t all love reading now, my oldest daughter is a voracious reader, like her mom.
12. How do you define courage, and how has your definition evolved through your own experiences?
Courage is ignoring the fear that you can’t do it because you’re not good enough or smart enough or rich enough, and doing it anyway.
13. Is there a particular message or advice you'd like to convey to other women who may be facing similar challenges?
You are enough, you are worth it, and you can do hard things.
14. In retrospect, do you have any regrets or things you would have done differently?
While I definitely do not regret anything that resulted in my 4 amazing children, I would have left that toxic marriage sooner. Fear and self-condemnation kept me from doing what I knew was the right thing.
15. How has this experience shaped your identity or sense of self?
I had extremely low self-esteem. I was told for most of my life, by my dad and my childrens’ dad, that I was not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, too fat, and not a good mom. But I am a much stronger person now, and while I still have thoughts of not being “enough” sometimes, I know that I am, and the negative self-thoughts are fewer and farther between.
16. What would you say to someone who is hesitant or afraid to take a courageous step in their life.
Don’t allow someone else to pressure, belittle or bully you into not being yourself, and not doing the things that you love. Do what you know is right for the safety and well-being of you and your family. Seek the support of your loved ones when you need it. Do not be afraid to ask for help. People love you and are willing to lend a hand when needed.
Hi, I'm Beth Williams. I live in Caldwell, Idaho with my amazing, supportive and loving husband, Michael, our two corgis, Rosie Cotton and Sammie Gamgee, and our king of the house, Buck the cat. I'm a travel agent, and a realtor, and love doing both things. I have 4 kids, and 3 grandkids. When I'm not helping people plan vacations or buy their dream home, I love playing pickleball and soccer, and discovering all the amazing things there are to see in the beautiful state of Idaho.
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