1. Describe the moment when you knew you had to tap into your inner courage and make changes in your life.
It was when I called Human Resources to report being sexual harassed by my manager.
As a 33-year-old woman making her way in the world, I was feeling poised with possibility. I landed this amazing job in advertising sales, selling community yellow pages (yes, this was before the internet!).
The organization, a joint venture between a Swedish company and a US business, emphasized team selling and community building. I loved their vision and mission which so aligned with my own values. I felt like I fit.
And then I didn’t.
2. Walk us through the pivotal moment when you decided to act courageously. What was going through your mind? How did you feel at that moment?
After enduring the third highly inappropriate comment and unwelcome physical gestures from my manager at a job I loved, I reached out to my mentor, Tracy, who knew me better than anyone else. Tracy had been guiding me through the business world, and I confided in her about the situation. Despite bravely confronting my manager twice before and expressing my discomfort, his behavior escalated during the latest incident. We were alone in the office, and I felt genuine fear for the first time. I nervously laughed off his inappropriate comments about my attire and hurried to my car, shaken to the core by the encounter.
Tracy listened with compassion and concern in her voice. She simply said, "Sandy, what's it going to take? What's next? Are you going to wait until he rapes you to speak up? Plus, the stress of all this is wreaking havoc on your health. You've got hemorrhoids, gastritis, and trouble sleeping."
In that moment, I realized I couldn't continue pretending it would just go away. As a woman in corporate America in 1993, I kept hearing, at some level, that this was just something women had to endure. There was no "Me Too" movement back then. I felt pressure to avoid making waves and to be a team player.
A memory surfaced of my dad telling me, at age 8, that I’d make a cute little secretary. He thought it was the highest compliment he could give a “gal”. I think at some level I believed him. But I loved my job. I didn’t want to press charges or file a suit. I simply wanted to do my job in a safe environment.
3. What inspired or motivated you to take the courageous step you did? What were a few of the first steps you took? What major actions did you have to take?
There was a quiet internal voice that kept nudging me to speak up. I kept ignoring it. I was afraid of retribution; I’d heard horrible stories from other women who “blew the whistle” on some creep at work. My strategy was to ignore it long enough and it would just go away. It did not.
My first courageous step was to talk to Tracy. I knew if I opened my mouth, at some level I’d need to take action. This was the first step. After talking with her, I knew what I had to do.
I was petrified with fear when I called Human Resources in Denver from the Seattle office. What if he didn’t believe me? What if they called my manager and it got worse? What if my manager showed up at my house? But I picked up the phone, shaking and started the ball rolling. I was brave.
4. Paint a picture of what your life was like before you encountered the challenge that called for you to summon your courage.
I was the middle kid – three sisters and one brother. My dad’s alcoholism taught me at an early age that to speak up was not popular in my family- at all. Whenever I dared to point out uncomfortable truths, like the proverbial "elephant in the living room," I was met with a slap and told to stay silent. Speaking the truth was repeatedly met with shame as no one else wanted to acknowledge it.
Yet there was always something inside me that kept calling me forward. I had gotten sober at age 25. I was the first person in five generations on both sides of my family to break the cycle of alcoholism. I knew what it was like to go against the grain.
But this situation was different. It was terrifying. I kept my decision to report the harassment at work a secret, unable to confide in anyone there and lacking support. Yet deep down, I sensed that this was a defining moment in my life. I had to choose whether to step into the woman I yearned to become or continue to suppress my truth and play along to keep the peace…like a good girl.
5. Were there any doubts or fears you had to overcome before taking action? How did you manage them?
The biggest doubts and fears swirled in my mind. Was I making too big of a deal about it? Perhaps he was just joking, and I was overreacting. After all, "boys will be boys," as the saying goes. Why did I always feel the need to speak up? Couldn't I just ignore it, as my mom often advised during my upbringing? Was I overthinking the situation? Would anyone believe me if I spoke up? These questions haunted me as I wrestled with the decision to confront the harassment.
How I coped with the situation was by reaching out to Tracy, whose unwavering support and reminders about the toll that stress was taking on my health provided much-needed perspective. Even when I doubted myself, she reminded me that my body didn't. Tracy stood by me every step of the way, offering guidance and encouragement. Additionally, I leaned on my amazing girlfriends, confiding in them about my fears and uncertainties. Without the support of these incredible women, I don't know how I would have managed. Their presence and understanding provided a source of indescribable love and kindness.
6. What were some of the challenges or obstacles you faced during your journey to overcome this particular challenge?
My biggest challenge was fear. I lived alone and the times I had to park and walk a block or two to my apartment, left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. The thought of him showing up at my apartment, lurking in the shadows while I struggled with my key, filled me with terror. What if he retaliated? It didn't take a genius to realize that I was the one who blew the whistle. The General Manager, who I later discovered had a history of sexual harassment complaints and was close friends with my former manager, made my life miserable. He was cunning in his tactics, subtly excluding me from conversations and hesitating to promote me to sales trainer, despite being the most qualified candidate. Although he was overruled on that decision, he ensured that I was left out of management meetings, even when I held a management position myself.
7 Tell us about a memorable anecdote or turning point in your courageous journey.
The day I met with HR, who flew in from Denver to Seattle in record time, they spoke with me for 30 minutes and asked if any other women were experiencing harassment. I knew of one manager who had mentioned it casually, but little did I realize that this would open Pandora's box. It turned out that five other women were also being sexually harassed by my manager. Within two hours of our meeting, he was fired by HR.
When I returned home and called Tracy to share the news, something bizarre happened. Midway through our conversation, I suddenly lost my voice. It was as if my vocal cords had seized up. I could barely whisper to Tracy that I thought I had laryngitis and would call her back.
As I sat there in shock and confusion, a powerful realization washed over me. Despite the temporary loss of my physical voice, I had found my inner voice and spoken up. I had revealed the truth and refused to keep silent any longer.
Here's what I know to be true. I come from a long line of very powerful woman, whose power was historically squished either by the men in the family but more often, tragically, by each other. It's as if there's a powerful energy within us, a grid of potential, wisdom and power that has been repeatedly switched off. It was the fear and danger of being visible.
But in that moment, I was visible. I had spoken up and told the truth. And in doing so, I reclaimed a piece of that power and spoke up for all the women in my lineage who couldn’t.
I WAS VISIBLE. I SPOKE UP AND TOLD THE TRUTH.
8. What role models or sources of support helped you stay strong and resilient?
My mentor, as I've mentioned before, was a woman whom I deeply admired and trusted. She embodied courage in its purest form, demonstrating grace under fire and a steadfast commitment to speaking up when necessary. She exuded authenticity and power in both her professional and personal life, showing me what it means to unapologetically be oneself. While she wasn't perfect, she was the real deal. She often told me “It doesn’t matter if you screw up, it’s how you handle it afterwards that counts” She demonstrated how to be a woman (not a little scared girl) in business and life.
My chosen women folk – a group of women that had my back. They listen to me without judgment or commentary, holding space for me to share my experiences and emotions.
My faith. My spiritual connection to that quiet voice that has been guiding me as long as I could remember. I wrote my prayers every morning. I ranted, sometimes raved and I’ve always been honest with myself and my spirit.
9. How did this experience impact your life and your perception of courage?
It was profound. After the dust settled, and life settled back into its natural rhythm, I came to realize that I am a very courageous woman. When I speak up and say “Let’s talk about the elephant in the living room” I give others the courage to do so too. I still feel slightly nauseous when my gut starts nudging me to speak up- but I do it. That’s courage to me.
11. What unexpected or positive outcomes emerged from your courageous actions?
I often had wondered, why me? Why did I have to be the one to speak up? There was a list of 6 women who had been harassed by him (that I knew of) making their lives unsafe and threatening and why didn’t one of them speak up? And then the truth hit me. I was the one who spoke up because I could.
12. How do you define courage, and how has your definition evolved through your own experiences?
I define courage as the audacity to be true to oneself.
As I’ve aged, I’ve learned (and continue to learn) the elegant skill of discernment. I don’t need to comment on everything that doesn’t feel right to me. In group settings I am developing the habit of pausing with the thought “Will this comment further this groups mission, purpose or challenge?”. If it doesn’t, I don’t speak up. I’m not perfect but that’s why it’s called “practice”. Sometimes it’s more courageous to sit and listen than to speak.
In this crazy world today, I also believe simply being present is the greatest act of courage anyone can do. When distractions - screen time, social media, zoom calls, 24 hour news are screaming for our attention, sitting for 2 minutes in quiet with no distraction other than the sound of your own breathing is deep seated courage. The courage to meet yourself.
13. Is there a particular message or advice you'd like to convey to other women who may be facing similar challenges?
Don’t believe anyone who tells you to “settle down”, or “stop making waves”, or uses any other shaming and condemning language. BE YOU. Speak up. Either quietly or with a roar. You have a right to say no. As I’ve heard before “No, is a complete sentence”.
Find other women who you can talk to. Who can support you. Shame is a funny thing that left alone in the dark can tell us all sorts of lies. Open up, speak up with safe people and shine the light on what’s true for you and let that shame out.
14. In retrospect, do you have any regrets or things you would have done differently?
I don’t. I spoke up. Yes, there are some minor tweaks I could have made but I am still so dang proud of me for saying” NO MORE”. At 63 years old, I think back to that 33-year-old and I’m so proud that she defied generations of her women folk who didn’t or couldn’t stand up for themselves.
15. How has this experience shaped your identity or sense of self?
It has in so many ways. I believe my experience at age 33 was the first true step into womanhood.
There’s a poem by Joy Whitman “Comes the dawn” and I’ve taken poetic license and tweaked it a bit. But this is what I want on my epitaph-
“And she held her head high, with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child.”
At 33, I started holding my head high and I haven’t stopped since.
16. What would you say to someone who is hesitant or afraid to take a courageous step in their life.
You’re not alone. Find your people and talk to them about it. Get support. If not for yourself for those that walk after you. To understand that you’re not bad for your silence but to understand that this is what has kept decades of women silent with no voice. Today, you have a voice. Trust it.
Sandy Stamato, CEO of Limbdweller Coaching offers a refuge for female entrepreneurs who have never quite fit in with the conventional way of doing things. It’s just how they roll. So conventional sales training won’t do. She offers Sage Selling, a radical approach to sales for female limbdweller entrepreneurs. With over 35 years of experience in sales, training, and marketing, Sandy combines her sales training and savvy with the transformative power of Positive Intelligence™ creating a dynamic learning environment where her clients thrive both personally and professionally. It’s all about ease and flow.