1. Describe the moment when you knew you had to tap into your inner courage and make changes in your life.
I have had to tap into my inner courage a few times! I tapped in when I was diagnosed with my first triple negative breast cancer, then again with my ovarian cancers (cancer #2 and #3) then with skin cancer and the fifth and final time, melanoma.
I tapped into it again when we began to take care of my terminal mother in law, and again when my dura broke.
I tapped into it when I’ve moved the 24 times I’ve moved but probably the MOST I’ve ever had to tap into my courage was when my marriage was failing.
2. Walk us through the pivotal moment when you decided to act courageously. What was going through your mind? How did you feel at that moment?
We had just buried my mother in law, after living with her for 7 months as her caregivers. My husband had been let go from his job and we had the opportunity to stay and take care of her. This required moving to a new state and I was also diagnosed with melanoma at that time. My oldest son was to be married in the weeks following my surgery.
All those things happening, and the one that was killing me the most, my marriage. I could not believe that I didn’t lost to cancer but the man I loved more than anything in the world, I was going to lose. I remember at the time feeling like I wished cancer had taken me. I didn’t know how I was going to live my life by myself.
3. What inspired or motivated you to take the courageous step you did? What were a few of the first steps you took? What major actions did you have to take?
I was angry, sad, felt betrayed, my ego was in full swing and I was incredibly frustrated. I felt like all the things I did to keep my marriage were the very things that were being thrown back up into my face as faults.
I stood up one day, after sitting on the floor for about 30 minutes bawling (this had become a daily ritual) and said “ Enough”.
I grabbed my notebook and I began dividing up our assets. I tried to picture what my life would look like and I just could not get a picture. I really tried and absolutely not ONE vision came to me. I was also beginning to start my energy business back up, I had put it on hold for the caregiving.
I began pulling back and stopped trying to be everything I thought my husband wanted from me and began to be myself. I realized that I had completely stopped being myself. It wasn’t sudden, it was a 30 year journey. I wanted to get back to me, since my life was going to dramatically change anyway I thought I would kill two birds with one stone.
4. Paint a picture of what your life was like before you encountered the challenge that called for you to summon your courage.
I was married at 22 and had a fairy tale life, until I didn’t. For real, I got to stay at home with my kids in a beautiful house and had quite the beautiful life. I am a hard working, I always gave my family every bit of me. When the kids left the house, I found myself a bit bored. I decided to open a cancer support company and making new friends, publishing books, having a popular podcast and filling my cup.
Unfortunately I was draining the marital cup. I was spending tons of money on my business and not making a penny. I was ‘doing all the things’ and my ego was in full swing. I was so busy being me that I didn’t realize I was severely neglecting my marriage.
5. Were there any doubts or fears you had to overcome before taking action? How did you manage them?
I was so terrified of being alone. I had to really take some steps to be able to even move forward with a divorce. I did a little bit each day I started the day with some positive intentions, some meditations, some separation of personal items and then cried, a LOT. I didn’t do a great job of managing them at that time.
6. What were some of the challenges or obstacles you faced during your journey to overcome this particular challenge?
I just didn’t want to do it. I loved my husband and was extremely hurt. I felt betrayed, side blinded, unappreciated, lots of terrible feelings. I went into a deep depression and avoided everyone and everything. It was a little tricky since we were in COVID lockdown and my entire family had moved back in with each other in a brand new state. All of us.
7. Tell us about a memorable anecdote or turning point in your courageous journey.
We had decided to divorce BUT decided to give it one last hurrah and go to Vegas to see The B-52’s for my husbands birthday. We also thought about renewing out vows. It was my last hail mary for us. It was my suggestion. He went along with it. We did it and were both REALLY surprised at how emotional we both were during the ceremony. We left there with some new hope. That was a little over a year ago and we are going strong. We have had some more family challenges but this time we are working through them as a unit, as a couple, and are building our trust and relationship. We no longer talk about divorce and are even finding joy in being together again.
8. What role models or sources of support helped you stay strong and resilient?
I have some really good friends. They listened to me and listened to me and listened to me. So gentle and kind to me. This rock bottom ignited my energy work again. I had lost sight of how important energy work is and how important being balanced, grounded and protected are for your soul and earth life ease.
9. How did this experience impact your life and your perception of courage?
I really thought I had been through it all. I had cancer 5 times with 11 surgeries , I watched my mother in law die in my husbands arms, my Dad passed suddenly when I was 38, my dura exploded, we became empty nesters, I attempted suicide, my husband was laid off and I had a hugely unsuccessful business.....that really felt like rock bottom. Someone recently said ‘how are you alive?’ and I giggled because it was then that I realized rock bottom really did have a basement and that basement was my marriage. You can’t kill me, but losing my marriage would have been the nail in my coffin.
10. What lessons or wisdom have you gained from this experience that you'd like to share with others?
Live in the NOW!! Forgive, forget, move on, use your energy in the way it’s intended. Focus on you first, align your energy, attract your manifestations and know that a higher power ALWAYS has your back. Oh, and never give up, the tide always changes.
11. What unexpected or positive outcomes emerged from your courageous actions?
I love my husband in such a more deep and positive way, our conversations are meaningful and we have taken the time to really eliminate the past and start fresh. I learned that my husband is really funny. I’ve learned to slow down and listen.
12. How do you define courage, and how has your definition evolved through your own experiences?
I didn’t realize I was being courageous. I wanted to live each time I received the daunting cancer diagnosis’ and body changing surgeries, I did what I needed to do to be courageous. It was actions not thoughts, for me. The one and only thing that I completely ignored and hoped it would work out, was my marriage.
13. Is there a particular message or advice you'd like to convey to other women who may be facing similar challenges?
Find out who you are first because you aren’t the same person who got married so many years ago, or even a year ago. Remember to be flexible with your partner too, they aren’t the same person either. I had to do some deep deep shadow work to come back into the marriage with a new attitude and with forgiveness. You have to be willing to do the work and not play the blame game because you can only control you (and ever that has it’s challenges). I took the time to work on me, balancing the marital needs as well as working on me, and I was able to work through me (it took 5 years) and fall in love again. The again part being the best. The love is a different level now than it was, and we are celebrating our 34th wedding anniversary soon.
14. In retrospect, do you have any regrets or things you would have done differently?
Yes, I would do my shadow work much sooner and left my ego at the door. Stop being such a victim and recognize that I have areas of growth as well as the other participants in my relationships.
15. How has this experience shaped your identity or sense of self?
It has shown me that I am flexible and you don’t have to take a ‘time out’ to grow, you can simultaneously grow and develop your sense of YOU. You can do life and grow at the same time and there is no perfect ‘time’ to start.
16. What would you say to someone who is hesitant or afraid to take a courageous step in their life.
It’s darkest before the dawn and what I blessing that you are on this earth experiencing life. Draw on joy and love to lead the way, you always have your love and light in your corner, you don’t need anything or anyone else.
Donita Wheeler
Donita Mamabear LLC, founded by the visionary Donita Wheeler, offers transformative energetic therapy and guidance inspired by her extraordinary journey of overcoming cancer five times. Through Donita's profound expertise and best-selling works, individuals break free from restrictive energetic patterns and embark on transformative journeys toward profound healing and enduring fulfillment.
Donita Wheeler, the visionary founder of Donita Mamabear LLC, is a beacon of hope and inspiration. She triumphed over cancer not once, but five times, a testament to her unwavering resilience. Donita is not just a survivor; she's a best-selling author renowned for works like "BareMyself," "The Lemonade Stand," and "A-Z Spirituality." As an esteemed energetic therapist, she empowers clients by helping them break free from restrictive energetic patterns, drawing from her personal experiences and profound expertise. Under her insightful guidance, individuals embark on transformative journeys marked by profound healing and enduring fulfillment. Donita's exceptional narrative and her role through Donita Mamabear LLC highlight the boundless potential of the human spirit. Her work exemplifies the transformative power of dedicated guidance in facilitating personal growth and healing. Donita is resolutely committed to helping others unlock their potential, leading them to lives enriched by vitality, purpose, and profound well-being.
www.donitamamabear.com